We did not hunt down and punish a traitor with no place to hide, says Russia

author avatar by 6 years ago

As a response to Theresa May’s 24-hour ultimatum regarding the Salisbury poisoning case, the Russian government has declared it had nothing to do with ‘delivering fierce justice to anyone foolish enough to betray the Rodina’.

Semyov Vyliomsky, a spokesperson for the Russian foreign ministry, refuted accusations that the Salisbury attack had all the hallmarks of a FSB hit.

He told us, “We reject these slanderous lies perpetrated by the enemies of Russia. We had nothing to do with rooting out cowards who put much too much faith in their Western masters.

“Never have we sent our fearsome unstoppable agents to inflict gruesome vengeance on those who sell out their country.

“We most certainly did not do it to ensure other turncoats will be forced to live while perpetually looking over their shoulder, knowing that we neither forget nor forgive.

“And we wish a swift recovery to the British policeman, unfortunately injured coming to the aid of a faithless cur for whom there is no safe haven.”

Mr Vyliomsky also explained that cultural differences could have given a false impression that the Russian authorities were unconcerned with the possibility of British sanctions.

“As many of you know, we Russians do not express emotions in the same as people in the West.

“In Russia, a common reaction to a serious ultimatum from a strong nation is to laugh continuously, imitate the nation’s leader with a mewling voice, or to video edit the speech with the sound of someone defecating.

“But it’s only because you are so scary.”