Donald Trump appoints Lord Voldemort as new Secretary of State

author avatar by 5 years ago

President Trump has replaced sacked Rex Tillerson with the appointment of Lord Voldemort as the new United States Secretary of State.

The appointment has shocked many, but those within the White House have welcomed the new appointee.

“We knew that President Trump would need someone who could practise magic,” said US political expert Simon Williams.

“Building a wall, repealing Obamacare, deporting three million people. These are all still on his to-do list well into his second year. I can’t see any way of getting all that done without the use of some pretty powerful magic.

“But appointing the evilest wizard for thousands and thousands of years? That is a bold move.

“He’ll certainly have the liberal media watching his every step, and the first sign of him murdering his way to more power will no doubt see them come down him like a tonne of bricks.”

Lord Voldemort, who has been described as a ‘raging psychopath, devoid of normal human responses to other people’s suffering’ will be in charge of international relations operation of President Trump’s White House.

It is understood that Lord Voldemort had been seeking a return to public life after his humiliating defeat at the hands of Harry Potter, and came close to replacing Randy Jackson on Season 13 of American Idol, but turned it down for a promised role in Celebrity Masterchef that ultimately fell through.

Rumours that Lord Voldemort was only offered the role after Sauron, Dark Lord of Mordor, turned it down to work with David Davis on Brexit, are so far unconfirmed.