There is definitely widespread panic throughout Russia at Boris Johnson’s threat to respond ‘robustly’ to the Salisbury poisoning incident.
Vladimir Putin has gone into hiding and there are reports of panic-buying Russian essentials such as beetroot and vodka.
Mr Putin is known for taking to the wild forests of Russia and wrestling bears with just his nipples, but it is said that the wrath of Boris Johnson, well regarded throughout the world as a credible and serious statesman, is the only thing he truly fears.
“Russia is very frightened,” said Simov Williamsovitch, a Russian.
“Yes, we are able to annex a small piece of an independent country with impunity, interfere with opposing powers’ elections, and do whatever we want in the Middle East.
“But the threat of Boris Johnson getting a bit cross with us is definitely something that has shaken every Russian to its core.”
It is expected that following Mr Johnson’s statements Russia will now immediately confess to their nefarious activities in Wiltshire, offer reparations to the victims, and promise to never, ever do it again and be good boys from now on.
This is one view of their reaction to Mr Johnson.
Another is that they couldn’t give a toss.