Furious Prime Minister considers asking Putin if he could maybe stop trying to kill people in the UK

author avatar by 6 years ago

Theresa May’s government has drawn a red line in the sand by saying very little and doing even less as an attempted murder in London bears all the hallmarks of a Russians secret service hit.

Downing Street has tasked the Foreign Office to bring down the might of British diplomacy on the Russian State, albeit quietly and without making too much of a fuss.

Simon Williams, spokesperson for number 10, explained that Mrs May was going to show the Russians what British steel is made of.

“We shall not tolerate that our streets are used as a killing field by people that, we must remember, are as yet unknown – technically speaking.

“The safety of our citizens is not up for negotiation, however much the price of the natural gas piped over from Siberia could be frozen for five years if we play ball.

“Autocrats with no respect for the sanctity of life, whom we must presume innocent until they boast of their guilt in an interview, will get the full fury of a politely worded scolding.

“Maybe, if they’re really open about what they’ve done, they might even be on the receiving end of a fiery speech from a backbencher with no official ties to the government.”

Mr Williams refuted comparisons with the way Tony Blair and Gordon Brown handled the Litvinenko poisoning case.

“This is completely different. Back then we didn’t have the sharp mind of Boris Johnson guiding our diplomats. And bear in mind that can muster the economic might of the European……..Oh! Well, just bally well stop it, Ivan!”