Reports of craggy, ice-blue warriors stalking the snowbound streets of London are coming in this morning.
Residents awoke this morning to discover the creatures riding Woolly Mammoths and skeletal horses down Camden High Street, making a trip into the city quite out of the question.
Locals have been warned not to travel, although the latest from the city suggests it takes more than a legion of ghosts to stop a Londoner.
Meanwhile, an army of walking corpses is said to have occupied parts of Essex, so nobody can be expected to notice any difference.
The creatures are believed to originate from a mysterious land of perpetual winter in the north, known only as ‘Scotland’.
This northern threat had gone unnoticed in recent years, with government officials now blaming previous administrations for not building a gigantic wall along the border to protect Londoners.
To assist in his campaign to defend against ‘Scotland’, Theresa May has recruited the services of a powerful witch-queen with peculiar attitudes to family.
Reports indicate May hopes to boost her poll ratings by sacrificing a relative and bring about a thaw.
Many city residents are said to be sitting out the bad weather by staying home and binge-watching Game of Thrones box sets.