Teachers with machetes could solve knife crime in schools, insists Theresa May

author avatar by 6 years ago

Theresa May has said that giving teachers machetes could prevent knife crime in schools.

Despite all available evidence pointing to it being a terrible idea, May is considering arming teachers after watching that bit in Crocodile Dundee where Paul Hogan’s eponymous hero says “That’s not a knife, THAT’S a knife!” and frightens off a gang of would-be muggers.

Standing outside Number 10, May insisted that blade-wielding teachers would also teach children self-discipline, good manners and, most importantly, to be afraid of giant knives.

“We’re not going to fail this country’s children,” insisted May although she remained non-committal on delivering a better future for everyone else too.

She also pointed out that her idea had been misrepresented in the media as a call to arm all teachers. Instead, May only wants those who have already ‘mastered the blade’ to be armed i.e. teachers who used to be butchers, magicians or sushi chefs.

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The PM’s proposal comes a few days after President Trump’s batshit crazy idea to arm stressed-out, under-appreciated government employees with concealed firearms in schools.

However, despite support from grassroots Tories, teachers have panned the PM’s idea as being “the latest in a long line of nonsensical unworkable ideas bandied around by simpletons”.

“It’s mad. There’s a good reason why Edward Scissorhands and that bloke from Assassin’s Creed don’t teach geography in Romford,” said Simon Williams, a geography teacher from Romford.

“Seriously, if we allow this, it’s only a matter of time before we see caretakers with nunchucks or lollipop men using tridents,” added Mr Williams.