As the Prime Minister attempts to use a team-building away day at Chequers to draw her senior cabinet members together over Brexit, a leaked copy of her timetable has been revealed to the press and is as follows:
8:00-8:15 – Arrival
8:15-9:00 – Champagne breakfast
9:00-9:30 – Tea and Coffee break
9:30-10:30 – Holy communion conducted by special guest Rev. Jacob Rees-Mogg. Sermon on why lower class life should hold greater value in the womb than out of it.
10:30-11:30 – ‘Forgetting Grenfell’. An hour of hypnosis designed to aid the willful ignorance of the widespread use of flammable cladding on working-class tower blocks. Led by Brexit bus visionary and second famous British hypnotist Paul McKenna
11:30-12:30 – Tea and Coffee break. Optional jog through the adjacent wheatfields for those feeling a bit naughty
12:30-13:30 – Lunch
13:30-15:30 – Foxhunt, for those who have remembered to bring their tunics and horses
15:30-16:30 – ‘Making a success of Brexit Britain’. Inspiring presentation by renowned businessman, expert in making things that suck and Malaysian factory owner Sir James Dyson
16:30-17:30 – ‘The NHS and your bank account: A post-Brexit vision’. Presentation on the opportunities for personal financial gain following withdrawal from the EU. Delivered by Jeremy Hunt and Sir Richard Branson.
17:30-18:00 – Latin rap battle. Team-building exercise led by Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson. All contenders welcome.
18:00 – Depart for dinner at the Bullingdon club
Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn is reportedly planning an away day on his allotment during which his shadow cabinet members will chat over their ideas for Brexit as they tend the courgettes and carrots, but he is yet to receive any responses from his invitees.