We probably won’t have to become nomadic warrior tribes after Brexit, reassures David Davis

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In a statement seen by many as a way to lower expectations for a future outside the EU, David Davis has confidently declared that it was unlikely Britons will be forced into a dystopian future where small bands of motorised ravagers roam the land fighting over food, water and petrol.

A spokesperson for DexEU, Simon Williams, explained that Mr Davis made the statement in order to provide some clarity on the road ahead.

“We are going to get the best deal for the British people. Although we want to keep our cards close to our chest and don’t want to talk about complex things like passporting rights or Northern Ireland, we hope to avoid a future where Britons wear a mix of armour and bondage gear and resolve problems with gladiatorial combat in giant cages.”

However, experts in post-apocalyptic survival cast doubt on whether the UK could use a brutal nightmare world as a fallback position.

Road warrior and leather fetishist, Max Rockatansky, said that Britons should not casually assume they could become a society based on scavenging and epic vehicular combat

He explained, “Not to be cruel but your country completely loses it when there is a Marmite shortage and thinks a few roof tiles taken down by the wind is a catastrophe.

“You also have the simple problems of finding appropriate cars compared to the USA or Australia. Converting a Holden Ute or a Dodge Charger into a spiked death-machine with pintle-mounted crossbows is one thing. Doing it with a Skoda Citigo, that a Surrey family jokingly calls Arthur, is a bit more of a challenge.”