Britons are expected to live an average of two years longer as a result of KFC closing yesterday, according to reports.
The fast-food chain, which serves a mixture of cardboard and sawdust bonded together with the stuff that makes fatbergs in the sewers in a top-secret mix of herbs and spices, made the contribution to the health of the nation after claiming to have run out of chicken.
By 10am yesterday, health officials noted that hospital admissions in some part of the country had halved, and obesity rates were falling at an ‘incredible pace’.
“It’s incredible,” said NHS spokesman Simon Williams. “In areas affected by the closures, we’re seeing cases of cholesterol poisoning fall almost 40% in the last 24 hours.
“If they stay shut the UK could have the life-expectancy of the people of Japan by the end of the week.
“People could end up living forever!
“Which would be awful as the only way the NHS can keep functioning is if you all keel over dead young and don’t cost us too much. Hopefully they’ll re-open soon.”