A bear who has spent the last three months asleep in a cave with some honey and a back scratcher has had a nicer time than you, it has confirmed.
The bear, which last year ate until it had a thick layer of fat and didn’t care what anyone said about it, retired to sleep in October and has dozed in a comfy bed of bracken and moss ever since.
”I sort of wake up occasionally to gobble up some honey and shuffle out to take a massive crap in the woods, but really it’s the cosy land of nod for me for the better part of four months,” the bear told us.
”Sometimes I’ll have a lovely big scratch on a bit of wood I collected especially for that purpose, before rolling over, farting, and going back to sleep for another week.
”And I get to kill anyone who disturbs me and that’s considered perfectly normal and reasonable, and totally their fault.
”But anyway, how was your day?”
