Russian athletes aren’t doping after all, says last surviving member of Olympic anti-doping team

author avatar by 5 years ago

Less than a year after banning Russia’s athletes from international competition, the last surviving member of the Olympic anti-doping commission has staged a remarkable U-turn.

“Russian athletes are just fine. No doping at all,” said a visibly pale and shaking doctor at a press conference this morning.

“They’re so clean, I’ve given them a certificate exempting them from all drug testing for the next five years.

“I just pray that’s long enough.”

A series of remarkable accidents have befallen the IOC anti-doping team over the past year, including being crushed by a falling piano, leaping out of their own upstairs window, succumbing to radiation poisoning whilst in the bath, being impaled by an unusually sharp umbrella, and being strangled by a man with metal hands.

Some commentators have expressed scepticism that all the deaths were accidental, but when contacted for comment they had all mysteriously disappeared.

When given the news that the ban had been lifted, members of the Russian Olympic team were reported as ‘jumping for joy’, in some cases twenty or thirty feet in the air.