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Duke Nukem is to be updated for a modern audience.
A new motion picture starring the barrel-chested video game action hero is to be released this year, albeit without the cigar-smoking, womanising or swearing.
“Duke has to evolve with the times,” confirmed producer, Simon Williams.
“He – or they, as the character will now be referred to – won’t be running around blowing things up and demanding ‘shake it, baby’ of victimised strippers.
“Instead, they are going to be running an organic smoothie shop in upstate New York. In their spare time, they will run a moderately popular YouTube channel focused on social injustice and fighting for the increased engagement of young voters.
“We’re confident that long-time fans of the game will enjoy this new direction, and be enthralled by Toby Maguire’s performance as Duke.”
Long-time fan, Jay Cooper, said, “I need a moment to process how inexplicably pissed off I am at this moment in time.
“Duke Nukem is a muscular man’s man who loves tits and guns, just like me. Even though I’ve never actually held a gun – or a tit, for that matter.
“I don’t think much to the film’s tagline of ‘hail to a person of high authority, in a non-dictatorial/fascist kind of a way, person of neutral gender but equal social standing’ either.
“I will be dedicating all of my time to telling everyone that this film is literally a crime against humanity – and by ‘humanity’ I mean ‘my fragile masculinity’, which is as we all know is basically the same thing.”
