Government puts in massive carpet order following Carpetright’s profit warning

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The Government has rushed to place a huge order to have its carpets redone with beleaguered carpet retailer Carpetright, who have today issued a profits warning.

The minister in charge of the carpet order is, one would imagine, Chris Grayling, a man who is regularly outwitted by revolving doors.

“Yes, I am well aware of the profit warning issued by Carpetright,” Mr Grayling told reporters earlier today.

“But, I can’t imagine that’s anything to worry about. I mean, for all we know it might be a warning that profits are going to be really brilliant and the company’s doing fantastically well.

“The important thing is that we’ve now outsourced all the government’s carpeting needs into the private sector, and the private sector is much better at these sorts of carpet-related projects because… oh gosh, I don’t know, because you have really nice carpets in the private sector?

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“Something like that anyway.

“Can I just ask, has anyone seen my shoe? I definitely had two shoes earlier, but I seem to have lost one.”

Following the controversy surrounding the collapse of Carillon, many people had thought that the government would exercise greater caution with outsourcing to the private sector in future.

“Ah, yes. That was a consideration we took extremely seriously,” said Mr Grayling.

“So seriously, in fact, that we outsourced the whole decision-making process to the private sector.

“It turns out, they think we should keep outsourcing things, and those chaps really know what they’re talking about.

“After all, they’re in the private sector.”