Britain’s stockpiles of bottled piss have been accumulated for naught after Donald Trump said he was staying at home.
Following the cancellation of Donald Trump’s official visit to the UK, protesters and typically reasonable people have been forced to dispose of their stored bottles by burying them in the woods, nestling them amongst a supermarket shelf full of Lucozade, or throwing them from the upper deck of a moving bus.
“I’m bloody annoyed,” confirmed Simon Williams, punting his bottle of piss over a fence and into a school playground.
“I had a wonderful day out planned, right down to the sandwiches I was going to make – ham, cheese and pickle. I was really going to push the boat out and make the most of Donald Trump’s visit by drenching him in the piss I’ve been saving up since the early summer.
“I’d even purchased a massive pump-action super soaker, which I would have definitely thrown away after the event… I mean, just imagine.
“I’ve got another forty-seven bottles of stale piss hanging around the house – most of it in the airing cupboard ‘ripening’.
“God knows what I’m going to do with them, but the wife is insistent that they’ve got to go now that Trump says he’s not coming. She’s so fussy about stuff like this – it’s probably OCD.
“To be honest, I don’t know why the President even cancelled. It’s my vague understanding that he likes having piss poured over him.
“This would have been like a day out at a water park for him.”