David Cameron’s £12,000 per head Chinese dinner took a turn for the worse after an entire roast pig was brought to his table, according to sources this morning.
The former prime minister had been regaling dinner guests with entertaining stories of meeting world leaders and how he forgot his own child on a visit to the local pub, when a waitress put the pig down on the table in front of him.
“I’d never really understood the term ‘flop-sweat’ until that point,” explained local interpreter Simon Williams.
“He completely lost his train of thought and kept stopping to look at the pig before turning away from it, almost angry with himself.
“No-one really understood what was going on; it was almost like the pig was heckling him, such was his performance after it arrived at the table.
“After about 5 minutes of fumbling to get his speech back on track, he simply excused himself and went to the bathroom with a napkin covering his crotch.
“Ten minutes later he came back looking much calmer, and asked the waiter if he could put the entire pig in something called a ‘doggy bag’.”
A spokesman for the former prime minister said that Mr Cameron had merely had a funny turn, due to jet lag and being unaccustomed to the Chinese diet.
They explained, “A few moments of quiet self-reflection was all he needed to be back to his normal self. He’ll be fine tomorrow, I’m sure.
“He’s going to have a quiet night in the hotel suite, by himself, just him and his doggy bag.
“Oh, and the large jar of sexual lubricant that is now part of his rider.”