Self-confessed sex offender brings in lawyers to refute claims he goes to bed early

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Actual President of the United States and self-confessed sexual abuser Donald Trump has brought in a team of lawyers to refute malicious claims that he goes to bed a bit early.

A new book by journalist Michael Wolff, published several years after President Trump confessed to grabbing a number of women by the vagina, contains the explosive claim that he sometimes goes to bed early and eats a cheeseburger.

“I will not have my spotless reputation impinged by these baseless accusations that I go to bed early,” said Mr Trump, whilst rummaging down a nearby woman’s trousers.

“I stay up late, really late. So very very late. I’m the best at staying up late. Lots of people are saying it.

“In fact, I was up until at least 10 pm last night, as it’s quite dark then and perfect for sneaking up on women and putting my hand up their skirt.”

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It was suggested that perhaps lawyers would be better used to handle the President’s admission of sexual assault and the subsequent allegations of harassment from numerous women.

“Why?” queried a genuinely baffled Mr Trump.

“Sure, I grabbed all those women by the pussy, but I’m famous so they were all grateful for my attention. Really grateful.”

It was originally thought that the lawyers would also be tasked with refuting a further accusation that Trump is seen as a child.

However, Mr Trump will handle this accusation himself by holding his breath until Mr Wolff agrees that he’s a big boy now.