Apple confirms that products are ‘crap’

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Apple has said that all iPhones, iPads and Mac computers are likely to be affected by two recently identified major flaws.

“The first flaw we’ve discovered is that they don’t work properly and the second is that they are really expensive,” confirmed a spokesperson for the company.

He goes on, “For many years, these two things were considered a ‘feature’ of Apple products, but with consumers becoming intolerably picky we have now decided to blame someone else and fix them whilst no-one is looking.”

Under the cover of the ‘Meltdown’ and ‘Spectre’ bugs that allegedly permit hackers to steal data from faulty microchips, engineers at Apple are developing ‘patches’ to temporarily resolve the issues.

Apple’s Senior security specialist, Simon Williams, said, “The patches are now available to all owners of our products with instructions to place over any holes, such as the big one at the bottom, to stop hackers getting in or letting any data out.”

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Apple fan John Stokes from Derby says, “It’s good to see the team at Apple getting ahead of this; I’ve received my patch already, it looks great and I have placed it over the earpiece on my new iPhone X – things are a bit muffled but no more than usual, plus £159.99 is a small price to pay for peace of mind.

“…though it doesn’t seem to be working on my girlfriends iPhone 8.”

With billions of smartphones, tablets and other tech affected around the world, Apple has confirmed that the long-term plan is to switch everything off and start again.