Dr Simone Williams, the world’s leading sex and cheese expert, has shocked millions across the world with the results of a new study.
She claims that people who say cheese is better than sex, even in a jokey kind if way, are compensating for an inability to please their partners sexually.
“Our results clearly show that either giving or receiving a right good rogering is far superior to any Edam or Roquefort you can buy.
“If you hear a friend or colleague harping on about the orgasmic qualities of their favourite Wensleydale, I recommend you enrol them into my programme or guide them towards some of the more tasteful Internet pornography.”
Rick Mulgrew, a former patient of Dr Williams, has had his life changed after he and his wife finally decided to give sex a proper go.
He explained, “Me and the misses would ‘joke’ about how much better cheese and crackers are than sex. We’d sit in front of Game of Thrones and throw a pile of mature cheddar and stinky french stuff down our necks and then claim that we were too full to bonk – but we both knew the awful truth.
“However, we went through Dr Williams’ 12 step slap ‘n’ tickle programme and it has changed our lives forever. It almost makes me feel ill that we used think that a plate of cheese was better than sex.
“Seriously, we’ve both lost weight, we don’t engage in any mind-numbing ‘cheese is better than sex banter’, and we know the value of a good shag.”