Evil bastards to trick morons into paying for rich old lady’s new yacht

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Tory MPs hope to sell lottery tickets to enough simpletons that it will allow them to buy the Queen a new yacht, it has emerged today.

After consulting their copies of the Tory Book of Things That Need Fixing in Today’s Britain, the backbench MPs decided to spend their time and energy campaigning to give an insanely rich old lady a massive new boat.

“We’re not even asking for taxpayer money,” they explained.

“Well, it will be paid for by the taxpayer, obviously, just not through official taxes – because that is quite difficult to do in today’s political climate.

“No, it is much easier to lure the more mathematically-challenged taxpayers into giving us money towards a boat in return for an almost infinitesimally small chance of winning a life-changing amount of money.

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“We have looked at the odds, and we have calculated that whichever way we choose to do this, the Queen will definitely win a new yacht. It’s foolproof. Well, if you’re the Queen. The fools may not do quite so well out of it.”

However, members of the public have asked if maybe a new yacht for the Queen isn’t the best way to spend what we’re increasingly told are the nation’s ‘finite resources’.

Voter Simon Williams told us, “I mean, if we’re going to spend £120m on anything, perhaps there are other more deserving places that money could go?”

However, backbench MP Julian Singleton-Smythe rejected the premise of his question, telling us “Of course it should all be spent on a new royal yacht. Why would we put those precious pennies towards things like food banks, children’s charities and helping the victims of Grenfell?

“We’re not made of money for Christ’s sake.