Theresa May uses thing that didn’t happen to reflect on values she doesn’t possess

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Theresa May has used her Christmas message to urge people to reflect on values she doesn’t possess and be proud of things she’s not doing as they celebrate something that didn’t happen.

The prime minister said that issues she has little interest in made the UK a place that is the exact opposite of what she’s actually turning it into.

She went on to highlight the plight of people she couldn’t give a shit about, while people from places she’s not arsed about are forced to go somewhere or other.

Her statement also read, “At this time of year it’s important we pay tribute to the doctors, nurses and carers helping the vulnerable this Christmas – because paying tribute is much easier than paying them better wages.

“We should also spare a thought for the families in Syria hiding under tables from the bombs we’ve been dropping around them.

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“And as I look back at the last year, I am proud of what we have achieved, just as the baby Jesus would be proud – you know, if he’d actually existed.

“Particularly when you consider that Jesus said the best way to help the vulnerable is to not help them at all, and how he cut the benefits of the disabled – I know, you don’t remember that bit, but it was in a little-known gospel, you probably wouldn’t have heard of it.”

May signed off by saying, “As a society that has its roots in Christian values, we should all look forward to the year ahead and our plans for a series of good old-fashioned domestic inquisitions to join our foreign crusades.”