Once again, vegans across the country are expecting an extremely healthy but lonely Christmas dinner.
One popular vegan sent an invite to his large group of friends and almost immediately received a barrage of responses politely declining his offer.
Simon Williams from Canterbury said, “I don’t understand it. People are always saying how I’m the life and soul of the party.
“I’ve got a really close-knit group of friends that I’ve known for years, and they’re always saying how much they enjoy hanging out with me.
“Admittedly this is the first time I’ve offered to cook Christmas dinner for them, but I don’t know what difference that could possibly make to how much fun they’ll have.”
He continued, “I’ll be putting on quite a menu: I’ve got grilled vegan goats cheese alternative with a cranberry dressing to start, followed obviously by my famous nut roast with a golden-glazed carrot, mushroom and hazelnut tart on the side.
“Perhaps they have already made plans. Yes, that must be it.”
Tucking into a cheese and bacon turnover from Greggs, one of Simon’s friends confirmed “It’s very kind of him to invite us all over, but come on. Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas if I couldn’t eat a roasted bird with some pig sausages wrapped in pig slices on the side.
“I want to literally feel my arteries clogging up as I gorge myself on rich food – that is what Christmas is about.
“What is a nut roast anyway? Sounds like a method of torture, but probably only half as fun.”