A husband has left it to the absolute last minute to go Christmas shopping because his marriage doesn’t mean very much to him anymore, and not because of some hilarious male quirk, according to reports this morning.
Simon Williams, 39, grudgingly trudged to the shops this afternoon to see what Debenhams had to offer.
“It’s not a mad dash of panic and I’m not frantically rushing around hilariously inappropriate shops such as Halfords and buying amusingly dreadful presents such as brake bulbs,” sighed Williams, paying for a handbag that his wife had pointed out several weeks ago.
“I’ve left this late because I can and because my marriage is something that just exists at this point, and if I get anything wrong it’s not actually going to have any real consequences that I might get upset by.
“The wife not talking to me for a day or two would actually be a blessing, but bearing in mind I’m not actually comically incompetent, she’ll be perfectly happy with what she’s getting, and so it will continue, year after year, until one of us dies.”
Mrs Williams said, “MEN, eh! What are they LIKE?!
“My Simon always leaves it to the last minute and then he’s rushing around like a headless chicken…he’s probably in Poundland right now seeing what they’ve got left! He’s so FUNNY!”
Simon confirmed, “I’m going nowhere near Poundland, just like I didn’t last year when I left my shopping until the last minute and everything turned out just fine.
“My wife’s spirit and sense of humour was an absolute treat when we got married, but at this point, I wish she’d just calm the fuck down.”