Please listen to Katie Hopkins, insist ISIS

author avatar by 6 years ago

‘We would much prefer it if you got all your news from Katie Hopkins, instead of reliable news outlets’, insisted ISIS today.

As Hopkins was at pains to blame a Melbourne incident involving a drug user with mental health issues on ‘Islamic terrorism’, ISIS has said in a press release that Hopkins has got it right and that we should all be scared witless, all of the time.

The press release read, “Please do not let a little thing like facts prevent you from believing that we are taking over your way of life and threatening the lives of everyone you hold dear.

“Yes, we have the odd bit of success, but honestly, drunk drivers kill more people than we do – a fact that we consider most shameful – but thankfully Katie Hopkins is out there banging the drum about our limited successes and blowing them out of all proportion. Which is brilliant for us, frankly.

“Please do not let her track record of getting things wrong on many many occasions get in the way. Or the fact she’s been fired from every high-profile media job she’s ever had, or that she was sued for lying and had to pay out significant damages, or that her TV show was a flop, or that most people consider her nothing more than a scare-mongering harridan.

“The worst possible outcome for us is that you infidels in the West go about your daily lives as if we didn’t exist – that would be a disaster. Thankfully she has done more to stop that than most in the West. She’s our hero.

Answering a question from social media as to why they haven’t formally recruited Hopkins, an ISIS spokesperson explained, “Oh, we have no interest in converting her – she’s already on our side.

“We’ve been in her head for a couple of years now, and she lives every day seeing terrorism everywhere she looks. Which is precisely how we want you all to live.

“Hopkins thinks she’s fighting back, she just doesn’t realise she’s already lost.”