Theresa May will persuade the DUP to sign up for her Brexit agreement with the EU by insisting that its terms were dictated to her by God himself.
May claims that God acted as a vital mediator after realising that no earthly power would be able to break the deadlock between the UK and the EU negotiating team.
The prime minister told a delegation from the DUP, “Negotiations had reached a difficult stage when there was an almighty thunderclap and the Lord revealed himself directly unto us.
“The timely divine intervention took place moments after the sandwiches had arrived.”
The new terms as dictated by the Lord himself were branded by holy fire onto a sheet of A4, which miraculously failed to ignite before being leaked to the press.
It reads, “I am the Lord thy God no matter what Jean Claude Juncker likes to think.
“Thou shalt have regulatory alignment between the province of Northern Ireland and the rest of the EU so that the fruit of the Lord doth flow unhindered.
“Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s hard border as stated In EU directive 1274-B paragraph 3, nor his ass.
“Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image and that includes group selfies.”
DUP boss, Arlene Foster, said, “After all the praying I’ve done, I can’t believe the sheer fucking nerve of it. But God’s rules are God’s rules.”
God himself added, “To be honest, I’m not sure why the British people embarked on this suicidal course of action, but then I did agree to give you free will and all that.”