23 cats arrested after police make ‘record breaking’ catnip haul

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Police have made what is described as a Britain’s ‘largest ever’ catnip bust, with almost half a ton of the drug being seized at Dover.

The amount is described as enough to get every cat in the country completely off their tits for several days.

“If this had hit the streets, there would have been cats staggering around, falling over and being unusually affectionate for weeks,” said drugs squad officer Simon Williams.

“It’s an international ring. We think it’s the Abyssinians running it in, controlled by a Siamese gang in the far east.

“The traffic is run by a group of Russian Blues who came over in the 1990s who are renowned for their ruthlessness, especially if you try and tickle their delightful, fuzzy tummies.

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“Indications are the mastermind behind the whole thing is a big fat white Persian who sits on a supervillain’s lap in a volcano base.”

Cat owners are warned to look out for shifty-looking tabbies on street corners or sitting on garden walls when you walk past, who may be trying to sell ‘street’ catnip cut with Whiskas to unsuspecting kittens.

“They pretend they want you to stroke them but it’s all an act. As soon as you put your hand out they either run away or turn nasty.”