MPs demand clarification on when and where they can masturbate at work

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As rumours continue to circulate that a senior minister had a reputation for masturbating at his desk, MPs seek clarification on exactly when and where they can masturbate at work.

“Well look, obviously it’s not really appropriate to crack one out in the chamber,” said one baffled MP.

“Regardless of how boring it can get, I mean, the TV cameras have put paid to that. But I do think there should be clear guidelines as to when and where we are allowed to have a cheeky one off the wrist.”

Since the recent sexual misconduct revelations, MPs wishing to relax with some light browsing of extreme pornography and a little hand relief are at a loss as to where to do so.

“Yes, well I suppose tugging one off at your desk as your chesty secretary bends over isn’t really done anymore,” said the MP wistfully.

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“The times have changed in the last ten years or so. But what about if I close the door? What about on the roof terrace? In the corner of the bar? There need to be some clear guidelines issued on this matter.”

It is thought that the Speaker of the House favours a simple one-page document of masturbation guidelines with some pictorial indicators on doors throughout the building as to whether it is appropriate, or not, to masturbate in the room.

The job of actually drawing up masturbation guidelines, however, is likely to fall to Michael Gove due to his expertise in being such a tremendous wanker.