Following Iranian President Hassan Rouhani’s announcement that ISIS has been ‘destroyed’, a video has been released by ISIS claiming responsibility.
The video, featuring a masked man waving a big knife around and shouting a lot, was posted on websites linked to the terrorist organisation.
“We can confirm that the reported destruction of Islamic State was carried out by loyal soldiers of Islamic State,” the unknown man proclaims.
“The holy warriors of ISIS have demonstrated their strength by tackling the mightiest army in the world – the army of ISIS.
“In destroying ourselves, we have demonstrated our unrivalled power in this war against the West, leaving our enemies cowering in fear while our brothers bask in the glory of eternal paradise through martyrdom.
“Let this be a message to our foes that we will not back down from anyone – even ourselves.”
Speaking from the afterlife, one ‘martyr’ who died in the battle offered a somewhat conflicting view of the events.
“To be honest I’m not sure this was really such a great idea,” he said.
“In hindsight, wiping out our own army was probably a poor long-term strategy because now there are only a few social media guys left and they’re even worse with weaponry than the guys who kept blowing themselves up.
“Also heaven is not really anything like I’d imagined.
“I mean, I enjoy a brutal sodomising as much as the next man, but the red-hot pokers and searing flames ruin it for me.
“I’m pretty sure most of the guys doing it aren’t virgins either – I feel slightly short-changed.”