Huge, stupid, hapless beast pardoned by Thanksgiving turkey

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There were tender scenes at the White House yesterday as a proud but helpless animal, who is believed to be called ‘Donald’, was offered a pardon by a Thanksgiving turkey.

In a dramatic reversal of tradition, the turkey offered a pardon to the big, white, ugly, strutting animal, and encouraged it to live out the rest of its life on a quiet farm, far away from a position of power.

The turkey, amusingly called Drumstick, addressed reporters at the White House following the ceremony saying, “At this lovely time of Thanksgiving, we thought it would be good to give someone a break.

“Donald has been proudly strutting around the place, kicking shit around and generally causing chaos since he came to power.

“Having looked at him, I don’t fancy cooking him and eating him as he’d probably taste purely of gristle, impotency and misogyny, so we thought it best to just set him free to live a quiet life on a farm far away.

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“Far, FAR, away.”

Donald appeared to be grateful for the pardon, and responded by shaking his neck wattles gleefully and trotting around the White House lawn, before Mike Pence grabbed him by the neck and pulled him inside to start packing his bags.