The Conservatives will be announcing plans to tax your actual happiness today, as part of the budget.
With the government rapidly running out of ways to make life bloody awful, Chancellor Philip Hammond has decided to have a go at making money from any fleeting moments of joy you might experience in your otherwise grey, dull life.
“This is just so fucking us,” said Tory spokesperson, Simon Williams.
“We’ve kind of been hinting around this with similar policies like the spare room tax, charging people to call various helplines and the new puppy tax- oh no, we postponed that last one until 2018, sorry, forget I said that.
“But yes, now we will be taxing your levity. Any time you look at your child with a swollen sense of pride and happiness, that’s going to cost you roughly 48p – or 46p outside of London.
“The happiness of this government is directly linked to our ability to drain yours, and now we finally have a policy that reflects that.”
The British voting public has reacted to the news with a typical lack of enthusiasm.
Citizen, Jay Cooper, said, “I’m a rational human being, so I understand that we need taxation to function as a society, but I really resent the fact I’m going to have to pay up to a quid for a wank. It’s the one fleeting moment of happiness I get each day.
“Between that and the crippling cost of broadband in my remote village, masturbating just isn’t going to be financially viable anymore.”