Robert Mugabe seeks advice from Arsene Wenger on how to cling to power

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Robert Mugabe has sought the wise counsel of Arsene Wenger.

The despotic, unpopular and moribund leader received an email from Mr Mugabe late yesterday evening.

“Nobody hangs in there quite like Arsene,” said a spokesperson for Mr Mugabe.

“If anybody can help Robert Mugabe in desperately holding on despite all evidence and pressure to suggest he should do otherwise, it’s Arsene Wenger.

“Piers Morgan is another good example, but Robert Mugabe doesn’t want to be associated with somebody like that.”

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Arsenal fan, Simon Williams, said, “I absolutely think Arsene Wenger should travel to Zimbabwe.

“It will give us a chance to change the locks on the Emirates Stadium and get someone else to take over.

“I’m not saying it will be a coup, we’re simply going to take over while our leader is distracted, which is very different from a coup, as I understand from recent events.

“I don’t think we’ll need to use force; we’re not Sunderland fans you know.”