Government votes that “benefit claimants can’t feel emotion or pain”

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A controversial ‘benefit claimant sentience’ vote has been won by the government, ensuring future legislation does not have to recognise that people claiming benefits ‘feel emotion or pain’.

A little-known area of EU legislation recognised benefit claimants as being capable of emotions and of suffering pain, protecting them from treatment detrimental to either – but the government has voted to remove this protection as part of its own Brexit legislation.

A spokesperson for the Department for Exiting the EU told us, “If a benefit claimant can’t feel pain or suffering, then you don’t have to feel bad about inflicting on them the sort of measures you could reasonably expect to induce pain and suffering.

“Despite what liberals will tell you, the science is inconclusive on this matter, so we don’t see why our policies should assume benefit claimants react to external stimuli in the same way as your or I.

“You wouldn’t expect us to feel guilty when cutting the grass, and now we don’t need to feel guilty cutting the benefits of that guy in the wheelchair, or the family who live around the corner.”

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Those on Universal Credit have said the latest move comes as little surprise, though they are pleased it didn’t go further.

Benefit claimant Simon Williams told us, “Honestly, I was expecting them to announce some kind of cull.

“But this is ok. The government formally recognising that they don’t think we have feelings or emotions won’t affect us one little bit, because they’ve been acting as if this was the case for years.”