Children in Need has raised a record-breaking £50.1m, which is about 15% of the amount the British taxpayer will spend refurbishing Buckingham Palace.
The astonishing amount, which is roughly £60m less than 650 MPs claim in expenses every year, will go towards providing vital assistance to children who everyone agrees should already be receiving it.
Prime Minister Theresa May congratulated the charity on raising a sum of money equivalent to 0.046% of what it will cost to renew a nuclear programme that deters absolutely fuck all.
She told reporters, “It’s important that the public digs deep to give money to the causes they feel are important because heaven knows we’ll certainly never use any of their tax revenue to fund these things.
“Why would we? There are far more important things to spend that money on, like enacting the will of the people in a catastrophically incompetent manner, for example.
She went on, “You have my word that this government will continue do all that it can to help charities prosper.
“Events like Children in Need would never happen if it wasn’t for our tireless work in ensuring that those who are most in need continue to go without.
“We really are the unsung heroes.”