Fat and ugly Scots fearful for sex lives as government proposes minimum alcohol price

author avatar by 6 years ago

The government is proposing a minimum price of 50p per unit of alcohol in Scotland in an effort to stamp out ugly and fat people having sex.

Ministers say the proposal would help cut down on the number of people who are admitted to hospital as a result of chewing off their own arms after waking up next to a hideous freak with no recollection of how they got there.

Scottish officials said the government wanted to reverse a drinking culture that last year contributed to millions of alcohol-related sexual encounters that at least one of the participants deeply regrets.

A spokesperson told reporters, “Binge drinking accounts for virtually all incidents of ugly people having sex.

“The fallout from this spreads nausea and regret throughout our communities, and does untold damage to the reputations of our citizens.”

There is concern amongst the drinking community that the changes could see unwelcome improvements in lifestyle for many of them.

Regular drinker Simon Williams told us, “If 8% lager and cheap Vodka get any more expensive then I’m worried my virginity could grow back.

“The only thing worse than waking up in agony next to something that looks like it was sculpted out of plasticine by a four-year-old, is waking up on my own with a clear head to face the desperate existence that constitutes my life.”

However, it’s not all bad news for those people that the majority of society finds completely repulsive, after it was revealed that the heavily subsidised House of Commons bars would remain completely unaffected by the introduction of any minimum alcohol pricing.