Theresa May sets out precise timetable for ballsing up Brexit

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The Prime Minister has amended the EU withdrawal bill to give the precise time and date when her government will completely balls up Brexit.

“I think the increasing haplessness of my cabinet has overshadowed the business of Brexit in recent weeks,” said the Prime Minister.

“So I wanted to make it clear that I remain utterly committed to ballsing up Brexit and have laid out a precise timetable for doing so.

“Brexit will be irretrievably ballsed up at 11pm GMT on 29th March 2019. No question about it.”

The announcement of the date is a clear challenge to those people who would prefer to not balls up Brexit and condemn a generation to economic armageddon and mediocre wine because some red-faced old shouty men don’t like ‘the coloureds,’ and voted to leave the EU in a massive racist tantrum.

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“That attitude will not be tolerated. A third of the voting population went ‘yeah, alright’ to Brexit, so that gives us a clear mandate to balls the whole thing up and we will not waiver in our commitment to doing so,” confirmed the PM.

The next stage of ballsing up Brexit will begin today as David Davis prepares for the sixth round of making absolutely no progress with Brexit negotiations.

Perfectly in line with the PM’s new timetable.