Yorkshire demands extreme vetting of southern immigrants

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Immigrants from the South are to undergo an ‘extreme vetting’ process to ensure they aren’t bringing softness into the county, Yorkshire has announced today.

Softness is a growing concern within the county, with reports indicating that children exposed to it are at risk of putting the heating on or wearing a vest.

With migration northward increasing at rates that worry many Yorkshire residents, the vetting process is being introduced in order to protect the county’s way of life.

Southerners are regarded by many as spreading softness, and voters are demanding government crackdown before the local culture is ‘swept away on a tide of Southern neshness’.

Migrants will be expected to pass a series of tests, including being able to convincingly say ‘lovely’ on Skegness beach in a force eight gale, and the ability to sup eight pints of Tetley without spilling any.

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“It’s a serious concern for everyone in Yorkshire,” said Yorkshire spokesman Saz Williams.

“There’s a genuine risk that uncontrolled immigration from places like Guildford and Berkshire will bring dainty southern ways which undermine our traditions, and our children will grow up to be complete jessies.

“You can already see it; the other day in Doncaster there were a lad wearing a topcoat and it’s only November.

“Puff,” he added.

When asked why the process was being called ‘extreme vetting’, Saz added, “Well, not only do we run a background check and all that farrago, do you know how vets stick their arm up a cows arse right up to the shoulder?

“Aye, it’ll be just like that.”