New Narnia film starring Priti Patel to be called ‘The Lying Old Witch in the Cabinet’

author avatar by 6 years ago

Priti Patel will travel to a magical faraway land and have several meetings with its leader in the latest Narnia film.

Patel travels to Narnia on a skiing holiday as it’s always winter but never Christmas, but sneaks away from her friends after the White Witch offers her a stack of Turkish Delight in return for several one-on-one meetings and a cut of the development budget.

“Priti finds a magical cabinet in old Mrs May’s house that promises her access to incredible adventures and powers beyond imagination,” scriptwriters told us.

“There’s a wonderful, fantasy scene where she pushes her way past other candidates and into the cabinet to a magic kingdom where she has several meetings with the White Witch but doesn’t tell anyone,” scriptwriters confirmed.

“And then she makes her way back through the wardrobe completely unaware that tens of thousands of people are tracking her through the coats on the Internet.

“In a final twist, she manages to leg it out of fair Cair Paravel seconds before Aslan sacks her.”

“In the original, the White Witch had a wicked dwarf who worked for her, but we had to cut that part as Michael Gove wasn’t available.”

Meanwhile the inhabitants of Narnia await the coming of a gruff old lion who legend says will save them, but in the end he turns out to be a complete waste of space who is too busy making jam in his shed.

“The lion only gets knifed in the end anyway,” they said.