FCO website issues travel advice warning against getting Boris Johnson involved

author avatar by 7 years ago

In the Advice For Travellers section, the Foreign Office website now urges Britons to be aware of local laws, register with the embassy and never, under any circumstances, allow Boris Johnson to know about your problems.

Simon Williams, head of Consular Affairs explained that there were an increasing number of situations made much worse because panicked relatives contacted the Foreign Secretary.

“We see it time and again. Worried parents, who mean well, use contacts to get him involved and, before you know it, their child is facing a firing squad in China because Boris told their Justice minister not to be such a ‘rickshaw-pulling sourpuss’.

“We’re not an Empire anymore. We are a second rate power held in contempt by most countries and hated by the rest. And our asinine Foreign Secretary has to be stopped reading Kipling’s Fuzzy Wuzzy at African Union dinners.

“Just recently, a woman was detained while visiting family in Iran. It should have been a simple matter of a fine and deportation. But now she is looking at five years for training journalists because the Eton Mess wanted to have his say.”

Mr Williams also confirmed Priti Patel was standing in for Mr Johnson when she attended high-level meetings with Israeli politicians.

“There is no way we are letting that mop-headed fuckwit anywhere near a powder keg like the Middle East.

“Ms Patel is not ideal, but at least she won’t try to bond with Netanyahu by saying she once played Shylock in a school play.”