Donald Trump is currently sitting in the dark in the White House so that any FBI agents holding arrest warrants think he is not at home, according to reports.
The bloated amber dictator is hoping that his tactic, which is traditionally used by families not wanting to be disturbed by trick-or-treaters around Hallowe’en, will delay his inevitable arrest for as long as possible, even if it is just another day or two.
Charges associated with Robert Mueller’s investigation into Russia’s collusion with the 2016 election have now been approved by a federal grand jury in Washington, leading many to believe that arrests may take place this week, and the toddler-in-chief is not taking any chances.
A White House aide who wished not be named told us in hushed tones during a discreet phone call, “President Trump called us into the Oval Office yesterday and instructed us to turn off all the lights, stay perfectly still and not to breathe a word for at least a week.
“He said that if anyone should come to the door to just ignore it, just like when those annoying kids come round at about this time of year.
“He said it wouldn’t fail, but I think he labours under the misunderstanding that we actually care about him.”
Whispering, he added, “Personally I think the FBI just need to hold a celebrity golf tournament – he’ll show up without a moment’s hesitation and they can arrest him there and then.”
There are unconfirmed reports that the FBI have already attempted to arrest Trump after seeing him outside a grocery store, but it turned out to just be a giant pumpkin that had gone rotten in the sun.