You have no idea how stupid my electorate is, May tells EU leaders while asking for help

author avatar by 6 years ago

At a working dinner for the EU council, Theresa May begged the 27 leaders to give her something she could use to “make the curtain-twitchers believe they’ve got one up on Johnny Foreigner”.

Theresa May further implored the assembled politicians to factor in the UK’s particular circumstances.

She went on, “What other nation has newspapers that deliberately misspell headlines? Where else could Boris Johnson become more than a jobbing comedian in clapped-out seaside towns? It is in the interest of all our countries to cook up some fiction that will have insular bigots feeling smug yet also allow their children to afford food in 2020.”

However, Sigmund Wilhelm, London correspondent for Die Zeit, said it was unlikely the EU would take on the responsibility to save Britons from themselves.

“Mrs May was more than happy to have dense voters when she called a General Election.

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“Why not just claim the UK is out, carry on as normal and rename the contributions to the EU as general overhead?

“It’s not like British journalists are going to pore over the figures. But the EU might help by getting border cops to harass those arseholes with the blue passports covers.”

Mr Wilhelm also believes the cultural gap between EU politicians is too big for them to sympathise with Theresa May.

He concluded, “How do you expect a statesman from Denmark, where the average voter speaks four languages, to understand the political reality of a country where Gogglebox is an award-winning show?”