With the number of crimes recorded annually in England and Wales rising by 13% in the last 10 years, the government has revealed plans to change its definition.
Having successfully tackled child poverty by similar means, the government’s proposals will see some crime labelled as ‘shenanigans’.
Sexual assault will now be categorised as ‘saucy banter’ and victims will be urged to ‘lighten up’.
However, some crime definitions will remain unchanged, with expenses fraud continuing to be referred to as an ‘oversight’ and benefit fraud as ‘despicable witchcraft’.
A Downing Street spokesperson insisted the government is more determined than ever to tackle the definition of crime.
“By changing how poverty is measured we have been able to pretend it hardly exists,” he explained.
“While these changes will undoubtedly lead to a sharp increase in shenanigans, this in turn will lead to recorded crime coming down.
“We are committed to being tough on crime figures and tough on the causes of crime figures.
“If all else fails we’ll just blame immigrants again.”