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Not being surrounded by utter twats has significant mental health benefits, according to a study published this morning.
Researchers claim to have established a clear, causal relationship between significant improvements in mental health and just having a few days off from other people’s utter dickishness, and are expected to recommend the NHS set up ‘no twat zones’ in a bid to tackle the issue.
The study showed that under laboratory conditions simply telling people acting like twats to ‘fuck off’ had immediate and lasting effects, and experts strongly recommend the findings are rolled out across the country without delay.
“We’ve spent years telling people that a long walk in the country is good for their brain chemistry, but this study shows it’s not because of all that wonderful nature going on around them, but because they get some time off from the insufferable bastards they’re usually surrounded by,” said NHS spokesman Dr Simon Williams.
“We’re hoping that from now on doctors will be able to issue prescriptions for ‘time off’ from other people being total jerks.
“You’ll get a note from your GP that says ‘Stop being such an utter tit’, which you would then show to people in order to tackle your – and, frankly, their – symptoms. It would be from a doctor, so they can’t ignore it, obviously.
“If that didn’t work medical professionals would be able to offer stronger remedies, such as a service where an ambulance comes round, and the paramedics punch the offending wanker on the nose.”
