Former President Bill Clinton has visited 10 Downing Street without defiling it.
The saxophonist, philanderer and occasional leader of the free world stopped by Number Ten to discuss the Stormont crisis with Theresa May.
“And he didn’t cum over anything,” beamed Downing Street spokesperson, Simon Williams.
“We had to clear out all of our female staff under the age of 40, and made sure that Theresa was wearing one of her plainer outfits – although the latter wasn’t difficult.
“There was a portrait of Margaret Thatcher looking slightly unhideous, so we turned that to face the wall just in case. The last thing we needed was Bill popping a boner halfway up the stairs and knocking over a vase, a photo frame or the Prime Minister herself.
“Theresa was very careful to avoid phrases like “it must be very hard”, “things are starting to dry up” or “gosh I wonder what your penis looks like”- although she rarely says that last one.
“Despite that, Mr Clinton was still visibly struggling to control himself and I have no doubt that he’ll be having the mother of all wanks later on while thinking of the graceful curve of the stair bannisters, which we were unable to remove.”