Sense of nameless dread about UK economy mostly due to new non-euclidean pound coin

author avatar by 6 years ago

The introduction of blasphemous, non-euclidean features will make the pound more stable than it currently is, the Treasury has promised.

The new coins include several security features, including the Yellow Sign and being of no human shape.

“The new pound coins will have a shape which is impossible within the rules of Euclidean geometry, making them more difficult to forge. Besides which,” chuckled chancellor Phillip Hammond, “anyone making the attempt will probably go insane!

“It’s a great day for the stability of the money supply.

“Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn,” he added.

But not everyone shares the Chancellor’s enthusiasm. “It’s stark staring lunacy, plain and simple,” said economist and gun-toting part-time investigator Simon Willliams, warning that the changes could lead to “chaos, followed by the sun going out.”

The Chancellor conceded this was a risk, “Yeah, that could happen,” he admitted, in an oddly hopeful voice.

Consumers are warned that if they hadn’t spent all their old-style pound coins by midnight last night their souls are at risk of consumption.