UKIP definitely going to elect a delightfully pleasant individual as their new leader

author avatar by 7 years ago

UKIP are choosing their fourth leader this year, and you can absolutely bet your house on the winner being the sort of person you’d be happy to invite round for tea.

With the conference taking place in the young, vibrant town of Torquay, members will be voting on the new leader once they can make their way into the hall without aggravating their dodgy hips.

Political analyst Simon Williams told us, “UKIP is still trying to go mainstream, and the way to do that is by electing a leader that a tiny proportion of the country will love unconditionally, and everyone else thinks is an extremist lunatic.

“The chances are they’ll either be led by a guy who thinks the entire government should be one person decided when we go to war, or a woman that believes creeping Islamification means we should deport anyone ‘a bit brown’.

“But whichever it is, you can rest assured that there will be plenty of loud voices supporting the ideology of their party’s new leader.  Of course, UKIP still won’t be able to buy an MP, so it’s best to keep thinking of them as a travelling circus that everyone pays attention to a couple of times a year before they sod off in search of some new marks.”

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UKIP supporters have said they are excited at the prospect of writing a new chapter in their history.

George Matthews, 67, told us, “We’ve written four chapters already in 2017, so it would be nice if this could be the last one of the year.

“But if the candidate I prefer loses, the party will probably split – so I wouldn’t rule out another couple of chapters before Christmas.