Theresa May’s Florence speech to be delivered on her knees and begin ‘Please, please, please’

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Leaks from within Government have revealed that Theresa May’s crucial Brexit speech in Florence will be delivered on her knees in supplication and will open with the words ‘Please, please, please.’

The speech, heavily trailed over the last few weeks, will be a desperate bid for the EU not to crush Great Britain completely. A move that could see Theresa May consigned to history as the weakest Prime Minister since 1990 when, due to an administrative error, the man from the Mr Muscle adverts held the position for 45 minutes.

“The repeated use of the phrase ‘for the love of God, just give us something,’ is a surprise, but I suppose is necessary,” said political commentator Simon Williams.

“Mainly it’s all good sensible stuff. Just a desperate entreaty for the EU not to totally ruin Great Britain.

“I’m not sure I’d have used the phrase ‘remember what we did for you lot in the war, you’d all be speaking German if it wasn’t for us,’ as that might cause some upset, not least to Frau Merkel.

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“But recognising that fact would have required a modicum of foresight and wisdom, two qualities with which the current Government isn’t exactly overburdened.”

Somewhat controversially, the speech appears to end with an offer from Theresa May to perform oral sex on other leaders in the EU in order to secure a more favourable deal.

It is unclear as to whether this is a threat or an inducement.

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