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People with nicknames based on the letter Z are ‘much more likely to be an utter tool’ than those without such a nickname, researchers at Luton University have discovered.
With an estimated and thoroughly unverified 93% of Britons being or knowing a Gaz, Daz, Baz, Waz, Faz, Shaz, Fiz, Jiz, Jez, Wozza, Mozza or Bozza – to name but a few ‘Zedders’- that stomp through life, mouth-breathing and playing smartphone games with the volume turned right up, the world of academia has been investigating the rise of the Zedder.
Professor Gary Williams, whose Modern Toss group undertook a four-year study into the phenomenon, admitted that the group’s findings were ‘a big surprise’ at first, but ‘less and less so’ the more he thought about it and realised that the vast majority of Zedders he’d personally encountered were ‘utter bellends’.
Said the Professor, “I started out with an open mind, but with my students coming to me daily with another set of data from their interviews with Zedders, and their tell-tale fondness for brands such as Carling, SuperDry and Monster, coupled with their relentless use of the word ‘wahey’, I could only conclude that this particular branch of society really is unnaturally moronic.”
With a number of complaints that his group’s conclusions were pretty obvious, Prof Williams has also been moved to defend his research.
“Some have said that twenty students taking four years and spending £11m in grants to find this out is a little bit completely unnecessary.
“But I was called Gazza the Spazza until I was 43, so God knows why anyone cares what I think.”
