by 
Manchester United fans are hoping to be recognised for outstanding songwriting and musical composition after crafting a heartfelt ballad about their new centre-forward’s penis.
The song, about Romelu Lukaku, has brought a tear to the eye of many fans across the country and contains a stroke of genius by rhyming the word ‘penis’ with the word, well, ‘genius’. As such, it has come to the attention of the Ivor Novello committee.
Novello committee member Simon Williams told us, “There are lyricists who go their whole career without ever getting to create such a moving piece about a sportsman’s genitals.
“A song about oversized human anatomy is hard to pull off. Some of the best rappers have tried and failed. Sir Mix A Lot tried with Baby Got Back, but even that lacked the panache of the United fans articulating that Lukaku’s penis reaches down to his feet.
“The award ceremony might be almost seven months away, but I genuinely can’t see anything beating it.”
United fan Damian Matthews told us, “Some people say it’s racist, but it’s obviously not; because we’re saying a nice thing about a black person.
“Singling someone out for different treatment because of the colour of their skin is perfectly ok in those circumstances.
“We’re working on another one for Paul Pogba, but I’m not going to ruin it, but we’ve linked his darker skin tone to him having a lot of ‘rhythm’. It’s beautiful.”
