Wayne Rooney has finally surpassed Sir Bobby Charlton’s record for drink-driving.
Sir Bobby’s record, currently standing at a very impressive zero – significantly less than the average professional footballer – has been in place since he learnt how to drive.
Expensive footballer lawyer and by extension expert in drink-driving, assault, divorce and tax evasion, Simon Williams said, “In football lawyer circles, it’s been said Wayne has had the records in his sights ever since he began his Manchester United career, but until now it has evaded him.
“However, last month he finally smashed it out of the park after being caught by police whilst over the limit, in the company of a woman who is not his wife and driving a VW Beetle convertible – legally the worst of the three offences.
“All of this has culminated in the breaking of a further world record: as the three things happening at once, every tabloid journalist in the world ejaculated simultaneously.”
A tabloid journalist was unavailable for comment, saying only, “MMMMMnnnnnnnngggggAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGHHHHH!” before falling on the floor and having a cigarette.
Next in Rooney’s sights is the world record, probably held by some Russian footballer in Siberia trying to keep warm.