Driving ban sees Wayne Rooney open up eight-point gap over Everton

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Wayne Rooney has opened up an eight-point gap over the team he plays for, it has emerged.

The fading striker, who pleaded guilty to drink-driving, was awarded the full twelve points and a two-year ban by a High Court judge without even kicking a ball.

In a football league in which you don’t care where the points come from, Rooney finds himself just one point behind title rivals City and United, with a realistic chance of Europa Driving League qualification.

Rooney said, “It’s going to be a tough season. We’re up against the likes of Man City’s Yaya Toure who was fined fifty-four grand after failing to notice there was brandy in his Diet Coke.

“There’s no way we can compete with that level of spending, so a top-four finish is probably not realistic.

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“That said, we’ve got a lot of promising youngsters coming up through the academy who are about to get their driving licences and have a taste for getting behind the wheel while shitfaced.”

Everton boss, Ronald Koeman, said, “We will appeal for these pointsh to be included at end of the sheashon and our target has to be forty.

“Who knowsh where the next three pointsh will come from, but on the plush side, I noticed this morning that Ross Barkley has a faulty brake light.”