Senior Tories lambaste government’s paltry efforts to rescue their offshore bank accounts

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Several prominent conservative politicians have quietly criticised the UK’s underfunded aid effort to the computer servers and safety deposit boxes of the British Caribbean in the aftermath of Hurricane Irma.

J R-M, an MP who wishes to remain anonymous, said he was left in anguish after his dedicated account manager has ceased to answer the phone.

“What message does Britain send to the world if we can’t even safeguard assets placed in our colonies, or whatever they’re called today?

“After all, if a chap puts away a few shillings for his six children, then surely a chap is entitled to have a navy helicopter go and check if his few ingots and Renaissance art pieces are fine without blabbing to the Excise.

“And I’m terrified for poor Delroy. Talks like a Mau Mau but really good with numbers for a coloured fellow.”

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Simon Despenser-Williams, an FCO spokesman, explained that the horrific destruction and loss of life was unlikely to affect the discrete accounts of wealthy Britons.

“We don’t regulate much in that neck of the woods, but we do make sure servers are backed up in two different locations and that vaults are watertight.”

Asked why the £32m aid package for the entire Caribbean was less than 1% of the budget for restoring Westminster, Mr Despenser-Williams explained that people in the tropics had different requirements.

“Have you been there? Took the catamaran to Anguilla last winter myself. They’re a happy go-lucky bunch. A few coconuts, steel drums and some waccy-baccy is all they need, really. Fabulous singers.”